I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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