Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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