you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
