I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
