just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
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I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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