Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
