I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
