So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The power of my boobs compel you
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
