I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
