If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
