what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
