i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
