i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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