i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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