If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think I sprained my soul last night
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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