I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Someone came in the potted fern
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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