Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
