I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
