i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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