she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
