Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
