I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
