plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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