I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
