Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
