i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
