So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
