How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
being pregnant is like rehab
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
