Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
