Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
