I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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