it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
