based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
