Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She bit a glass in half.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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