Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
