i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
