I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I will be naked everywhere
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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