I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
