Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
