I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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