I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
