he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
