I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
