Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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