I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
