ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
