My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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