I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
