I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
