Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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