My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
