EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
