I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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