omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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