listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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