oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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